Exhaustion

Ever hear the phrase, “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired”? I believe it aptly describes my current situation. I have been sick for weeks now, and I want my head to stop being so foggy and so congested and so damn miserable. I am sitting here, watching some X-Files while I wait for the NyQuil to kick in. I want to post a proper blog post for tomorrow, but right now, I can’t think of anything other than I want to sleep. I feel like all I do lately is work and sleep and I am so tired all the time. I’ll see if I can’t do a proper blog post tomorrow, but for now, enjoy a picture of some sleepy owls.

Color Moods

So I was trying to figure out what to write a blog about, and a friend suggested color moods. I am pretty sure that they meant something more along the lines of an image they had shown me that changed color, and I remarked that they mood of the image seemed to change as the color changed. For example, blue for calming, red for angry, all dependent on the coloring and shadowing to change the way an image was perceived.

Of course, this caused my brain to run off as it always does with an idea. Ever look at an image, and it changes your mood? In that same thought, ever looked at images in an attempt to purposefully change your mood? Anyone that has ever looked up kitten pictures online will probably answer that yes. I have noticed that I occasionally receive an unwanted mood from an unexpected source, based purely upon the coloring of the image. If the image is of a cute animal, but the coloring is dark and dreary, the image can become depressing. A bright, happy image can suddenly become eery, all because of lighting and coloring and can make someone who is prone to “color moods” become suddenly fearful, depressive, or paranoid.

As I have said before, I am bipolar, but I have noticed I tend to have a large amount of empathy. My mood is affected by those around me, and it is also affected by music, movies, books, and even images. If I am sent a random email about animal cruelty, depending on the story attached to it, my mood will usually be one of two possible moods. I will either be depressed and weepy  for the rest of the day or I will be angry and want to go punch people who mistreat animals in the throat. Why a punch in the throat? Because it hurts a lot, and they deserve it.

With these ideas in mind though, I have folders of saved images on my computer that are “calming” or “energizing” images, and I will look through either folder depending on which mood I need. It does not always work, but it’s worth a shot in my opinion. If I am stuck in a manic phase, calming images coupled with calm colors, and calm music can mellow me out without dropping me into depression. If I am in a depressive phase, sometimes I will attempt to trigger a manic phase in order to get enough energy to get work done. This can sometimes backfire, because I generally cannot focus in a manic phase, but again, these are in the experimental phase for me. There are days where I would try anything to bump myself out of a depressed state because I have shit to do, and children to take care of.

On Sleepless Nights

I don’t sleep much lately. I could probably blame it on being a parent, but to be honest, my children are asleep by 9:30pm at the latest and they sleep through the night. No, I’m just restless. I try sleeping pills, but those make it hard to wake up in the morning, and then I’m grumpy. I don’t like feeling irritable with my kids, especially when it’s not their fault. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, I close my eyes, forcing myself to keep them closed, but sleep never comes. The next day I am exhausted and lethargic, unable to get anything done around the house.

So instead of laying in bed all night when I can’t sleep, I get up. I decided that if I cannot sleep, I might as well be productive. So my house is cleaned at night. It actually looks pretty good lately. Clean house, clean laundry. But I’m still exhausted all day. I end up feeling like I need a nap halfway through the day. Which I would take, as my children will either take a nap, or play quietly while I nap but I am convinced that if I nap in the middle of the day, I won’t sleep at night. So I skip the nap, attempting to stay awake all day so that I can sleep at night.

Night time comes, and I am laying there. I almost get to sleep and my phone lights up and chimes. A text from a friend. I sigh, but usually I am awake, so I try not to be irritated. I look at the time, it’s close to midnight. Does anybody sleep? Seriously. So of course I’ll respond, try to casually mention that I was in bed. They keep texting. No one gets the hint. I make a mental note to be less passive next time, although I know I won’t.

Last night I couldn’t sleep again. I decided to be productive again. I got the laundry caught up, and I even put it away this time. I hate folding laundry, so it doesn’t always get done right away. I hadn’t gotten out of bed the night before, so my house was a little messy. I decided to clean my fish tank, as I have been meaning to get that done since my last fish gave up and died of loneliness after he killed the only other fish in the tank. I still have shrimp in there, so I cleaned it, medicated the water, and did a water change. I still had no desire to sleep afterwards. I ended up washing the dishes, and cleaning up the kitchen. Nothing. Time to dust, and then fix the vertical blinds on the back door. Still nothing. Well I suppose I could wash my husband’s work uniforms. At this point, I decide I have to try to go to sleep. It’s 3am.

I lay down in bed, my sheets smelling of fabric softener, a result of my sleepless night. It takes me another hour and a half before I finally fall asleep, only for my alarm to go off at 6am. I silence that, and listen for the kids. Not a sound in the house. So I close my eyes and manage to drift off for another hour before I hear them giggling in their rooms. Time to get up and make breakfast. I am tired, but at least the house is clean, right?

I have to do something about my lack of sleep. It’s been a week since I had a full night’s sleep, and that was only one night where I took sleeping medication because my husband was home and had the day off  so he helped with the kids. Something has to change.

On Saying No

Ever had someone ask you to do something, and you wanted to say no, but you could not think of a better excuse past, “I don’t want to”? Well I have news for you, “I don’t want to” is a perfectly valid excuse. Seriously, it is. I know that makes me sound like an asshole, but hear me out. I have an incredibly hard time telling people no. I always feel guilty, as if saying that I could not, or would not help someone was a bad thing, and somehow I just disappointed them beyond all repair and now I’ve also screwed them over by not helping. I know what you’re thinking. “What sort of crazy person thinks this way?” Well for starters, I do.

I am the type of person that would apologize for existing. It’s true, just ask any of my friends. If I haven’t drove them all crazy that is. I drive my husband crazy sometimes too, with all the apologizing, and my inability to say no. I have been trying harder to tell people no, and unfortunately, people have not been taking it well. People seem to assume that since I am home all day that I will gladly watch their kids for hours at a time, with little to no notice ahead of time. I understand needing a babysitter. I really do, but you have to give me advance notice, and you also have to understand that I have the right to say no. For starters, I have four children myself. So the summer is not the best time to ask me to babysit. I am already going crazy because it’s hot and miserable, and the kids are bored. I really don’t want to add several more bored, miserable children to the mix that are going to get into everything, and whine and cry.

Also, my youngest has been out of diapers for three years now. I love not being required to change diapers. It’s awesome. The only time I have to change diapers is when I babysit. It’s been so long since I had to change a diaper that I now gag and cringe when I have to change one now.

Every single time I hear someone ranting/venting about someone telling them no to something, I always hear the same irritation. “I don’t understand why they made up a lame excuse, if you don’t want to do it, just say so.” Oh, is that so? Then how come anytime I say that I simply don’t want to, or that I don’t feel up to doing something, you’re even more pissed because I was too lazy to come up with a lame excuse at least?  Make up yourdamn mind. Seriously.

Would you rather I say no occasionally, and feel less resentful when I DO help you out, or would you rather I am resentful every time I help you out? Sure I could help you move, but here’s the thing… If this is the 20th time I have helped you this month, how careful do you really think I am going to be with your boxes? I mean, it’s not like I would be neglectful on purpose, I’d simply be worn out from helping.

Ok, imagine that you’re a smoker. You have a coworker that bums a cigarette or two off of you every single day, always promising that one of these days they’ll buy you a pack to make up for it. But they never do. How much does that make you want to give them another cigarette? Those are expensive. Now if this coworker got paid, and then brought in an extra pack for you to make up for what they used, you might be more likely to let them snag another cigarette once they run out of money closer to the next pay day.

My point with that scenario was that if someone actually repays some of the help that they receive, the person they ask for help might be less inclined to say no. Now that this has been established, keep in mind that the person still has the right to say NO. It may sound crazy, but it’s true!  I used to have a piece of paper that one of my therapists gave me that I would hang on my wall near my desk. It was titled, “Times when a self-respecting person has the right to say no.” I’ll type that up and put it here for others to use, if they want. It helped me a lot…

A Case of Blah

Yup, I’ve had a case of the blahs. For awhile before that, I had a case of the blarghs. I blame it on living in Arizona in the summer. Seriously, the electric company is laughing right now, because our electric bill more than doubled during the month of May. Yup, I paid $325 just to cool a home to 80 degrees. This wouldn’t be so bad if it was not 118 degrees in the shade on my back patio outside. (Note: I’m sorry mom for all the times I ever left the door open while I was growing up.) So this means my air conditioner needs to work extra hard to cool my house all because of a 30 degree difference between the outside temperature and the desired inside temperature. I’d prefer to have the house at 75, but hey, let’s not get greedy here.

Another reason for my “blah” feelings? My schedule is all sorts of messed up. The kids are out for the summer, and they are bored because they risk heat stroke playing outside. Since my husband’s job requires him to sleep during the day, they are now super bored because I need them to be quiet inside. They previously had a television in their room with a dvd player, because let’s face it, we all need a break from our children being under our feet from time to time. So… I put the television back in their room. This time, I put the X-Box 360 in there too. They can now watch Netflix, which I can still hear from the living room, but their father cannot hear it in the back room, and that’s what matters. The living room has surround sound, and makes the house rumble, and the sound echoes back to the master bedroom, so the kids would have to watch it with the volume extremely low, so they don’t get any fun out of that.

I know, I know… I am such a horrible parent. I put my kids in front of the TV. Oh noes! Someone call CPS, quick! *sigh* For those of you who didn’t catch that, that was sarcasm. Even if I cared what other people think, I wouldn’t be able to win anyways. My children are super skinny, so people assume I never let them eat, or sit in front of the television. Truth is, they eat waymore than I do to start with, and they are super active. Like right now? They are playing while they watch TV. They do go outside for about two hours a day at least, we go swimming to combat the heat outside, and they soak up some sun that helps them absorb vitamin D better. Yes, I use sunblock too. SPF 5o, thank you very much.

I know this all sounds defensive, but I am tired of moms bashing other moms because of their choices. My children eat healthy, balanced meals, they don’t drink soda, only juice and water, and they are active AND watch television and play games. Also, they take a multivitamin every day as well. So basically this is my way of saying, get off my ass. They are well fed, I spend time with them, I help them with homework, I read to them, I watch movies with them, I tell them they are loved, and they are clean. Isn’t that what matters?

This post originally started with me feeling meh, and blah, and I still feel meh, and blah, but hey, I took care of the kids’ boredom problem.

The Funk

I have been kind of bleh lately. I have no reason for it, and I should be happy. There is no reason for me not to be happy. People tell me that I have no reason to complain. I’m not homeless, (at the moment anyway), and I pay (most) of my bills every month, and we’re not starving, and my children are healthy other than the occasional seasonal illness. “Things could be worse.” But that’s the thing… sure, it could be worse. When do I get the right to complain? Who really gets the right to complain? No matter what our problem, people always tell us that “It could always be worse.” Of course, but it still sucks! Jerk faces. Ok, so your issue is worse than mine. You know what? “It could always be worse.” Ha! How does that feel? Sucks, right? If I don’t get the right to complain, neither do you. That world just does not work does it?

My random unexpected project today.

People that tell other people that they do not have a right to complain about valid issues piss me off. Your kid is sick? Go ahead and complain because yes, while it could be worse, a kid being sick is still a crap situation. Your car broke down, I’m here to listen to you vent. Yeah, you could have NO car, but your car breaking down sucks horribly and makes you stressed. These are just a few examples of things that suck that I have no problem with people complaining about. Just remember to talk about the things that are awesome too, so that you do not forget the good times as well.

With that being said, I’m in a funk. I need something but I don’t have the vaguest idea what I want. I think I want to redo my room, but I really don’t want to spend a lot of money, and the idea of pulling all the stuff off the walls and redoing my color scheme is daunting. I love the color red, but sometimes I feel like I have too much red. I need to work on something. I had a random project pop up when I pulled my stove out to clean the floor under it, and I discovered the previous tenant had painted the walls back to white, but neglected to paint the green wall behind the stove back to white. I could have cleaned the floor, and then pushed the stove back and ignored it, but there was spare paint in the garage, and I had paintbrushes and clean release tape. Took me four coats, but it’s now clean looking and white back there.

Before that this morning I cleaned the back yard and pulled all the weeds back there and then pressure washed the patio and the side of the house. I was hoping that this would help bump me out of this funk. So far, nothing has worked. I just may have to make a decision and do something different. Last time I was like this I ended up with pink hair, so I should hopefully go for something less drastic. Any ideas? ¬_¬ I’m fresh out. I’ve been looking online for ideas for my room but I prefer to touch the fabrics and such before I purchase anything.

Sterilizing the Horde

My bathroom before the sterilizing. Clutter, clutter everywhere!

Yesterday I posted that I was attempting to sterilize the house because of the stomach flu that was plaguing my family. While I did not complete my task completely, I managed to get the master bedroom, master bathroom, and the kitchen sterilized, as well as the kids’ bathroom, which is where most of the germs hung out in the house. I spent today with my mom and one of my brothers, so I really didn’t get much done in the house today other than the quick clean I did this morning, but I plan on deep cleaning the living room tomorrow, followed by my pantry/laundry room. I have an interview tomorrow in the afternoon, so hopefully cleaning will take my mind off of it and ease my anxiety before the interview.

Unfortunately, the master bedroom and master bathroom took most of Sunday to complete, and I totally blame that on the fact that I spend most of the time cleaning the rest of the house. I clean and clean, and then once I get to my room I see my computer and sit down for “just a second.” Sometimes I see my bed and think, “oh that looks comfortable.” Then I lay down because I’m tired. So my room gets neglected, and then I feel like such a hypocrite because I expect the kids to clean up their rooms pretty regularly. I mostly just hate stepping on Legos in their rooms, to be perfectly honest.

I feel like I spend most of my time cleaning. Hell I think most of my posts have been about cleaning and how I do too much of it. I mean, it probably can’t be helped, considering I have four children in a small

three bedroom house. We simply do not have enough space in the house for all of the stuff. I have been downsizing, but there still isn’t enough space. This is why it takes me so long to sterilize the house. I have to move stuff just to clean underneath it. If I have to use one of the countertop appliances that I have to keep in the pantry because I have no space for it all on the countertops, then it takes me forever to

The bathroom after sterilization. The clutter is all put away. Matt immediately put some of it back out the next morning…

restack everything on the shelves. Something has to change.

Also, I apologize, but I started drinking halfway through this blog. It has taken me about two hours to type this, because I have to go back through and fix errors and typos and I am also watching Glee on Hulu while I text dirty texts to my husband. So yeah, gonna end this blog here cause I forgot where I was going with this…

Down with the Sickness

Yep, you totally have Disturbed in your head right now, simply from reading that title. That’s how awesome I am. Anyway, the recent lack in posts was the result of being sick. Oh, and it was not just any sickness. It was the stomach flu of doom. I call it this, because well, that’s how I feel about now. Yes, I am still sick while I type this. I am super woman! Actually, no not really. I feel like crap. I feel like crap that has been run over by a large truck. My husband has been sick too, and I feel bad about that simply because I was trying to keep him from getting sick too. All of the kids have been taking turns with it, except for my oldest. Not sure how he managed to not get it, but he’s the lucky one. I have cleaned up puke every day for over a week. I have also discovered that when I am sick as well, my gag reflex is relatively weak. Too much information I know.

Well I have decided to implement a plan today. Well I say today. This post will go up on the site on Monday, and I am typing it Sunday. So my plan for today, (Sunday) and tomorrow, (Monday) is to clean the house. Like deep cleaning to the extreme. I started spring cleaning last week, and then everyone in my house got sick from some sort of virus the boys brought home from school. (Just in times for AIMS testing, too.) This interrupted my spring cleaning. I have always notice a direct connection between how clean my house is to how I feel. If I’m sick, my house becomes messy, of course, because I don’t feel like cleaning much. I have a hard time feeling better until the house is clean though. This becomes difficult when I am unable to force myself to get up and just clean. My connection between the cleanliness of the house and my physical health is sort of like my connection between how cluttered my desk is and my inability to focus. When I am trying to type something, such as these blogs I am unable to focus if my desk is cluttered. So I have to start out by clearing off my desk.  The same concept can be used for the rest of my house when I am sick. Clear out the trash, clutter, and dirt to clear out the sickness from the house. At least I am hoping that it works out this way.

To illustrate my point, I took a picture of my desk after it has been de-cluttered. Ignore the tangle of cords there, I need to get those taken care of eventually, just haven’t had time for those. I should have taken before and after pictures, but imagine papers and dust all over the place. Also, before you ask, yes that is the Facebook page for my blog and this current blog in Microsoft Word on my monitors. I type up the blogs in Word before I upload them online so I have a copy on my computer to look at. My desk still needs so much work… Honestly I am still unpacking. It is ridiculous. But hey, I can focus on my blog more now that my desk is cleaned up. I am hoping the same holds true for the rest of the house and how I feel. I figure using Lysol on everything couldn’t hurt.

So here’s the plan: Clean the inside of the house today, starting with my bedroom and bathroom. The bathroom is where a lot of germs like to hang out, and people forget all the little nooks and crannies that need to be disinfected. Everyone knows to disinfect the kitchen, but the bathrooms only get a wipe down to make them look clean. I prefer to deep clean my bathrooms at least once a week, although I do not deep clean the master bathroom that often because I am exhausted by the time I get to my room. I’ll be washing my sheets and blankets and pillows today, as well as using Lysol on the mattress to disinfect that. Where do most sick people spend all their time? In bed. I have to rid the bedroom of germs to speed up the recovery process. From here, I’ll work my way down the hallway to the other bathroom, and then the living room, dining room, and kitchen. The kids’ rooms will be easier to work on while they are at school tomorrow. If I have enough time, I’ll finish those rooms today, but I’ll plan for Monday so I do not disappoint myself. Wish me luck? I’ll have a post with the cleaning results posted by Tuesday.

Spring is in the Air… and so are the Allergies.

Hawaii was always so very lush and green.

If you read the post from the 17th, then you might recall me talking about how spring always puts me in the mood for deep cleaning. And why shouldn’t it? The weather is gorgeous, there is a wonderful, cool wind blowing through the neighborhood, and it makes you want to open your house and let the stale winter air waft out. I just moved back to Arizona from Hawaii. We did not have air conditioning in our house, and we had slat windows. Those windows were pretty much open 24/7. My allergies were awful year round. All that pollen in Hawaii that blew in from other countries on the ocean wind, and all the hibiscus flowers that are beautiful and fragrant, and sneeze inducing and damnit I hate pollen.

I have been blessed with the fact that the only plant I cannot physically touch because of an allergic reaction is oak. The rest are ok, except… I am affected by pollen. Sneezing, headaches, sinus pressure, all of these symptoms, simply from pollen, mold, dust, perfume. As the doctor put it, I have allergies that are inhaled, so the only medication I can use for them are an inhaler, and some Claritin. Both of these medications only lessen the symptoms of my allergies.

Since moving back to Arizona I cannot decide which plant has the worst pollen for me. It’s sort of a tossup between the weeds in my back yard and the Palo Verde trees down the road. I go to check the mail, and the trees are so fragrant right now, that it smells good, but it is making me sneeze and gives me sinus problems, and I’m miserable. So at the same time I want to enjoy the beautiful flowers and I want to just hide in my house away from the pollen and never come out.

Of course, this also prevents me from actually enjoying the “great outdoors.” I really should remember to take my Claritin every day. Then I might not have this problem. Ever notice how parents can remember to diligently give their children medication, but when it comes time to take our own, we’re like, “crap, I forgot”? Perhaps that’s part of why birth control pills fail a lot. If we could remember to take a pill every single day we might not have as many children.

Back to allergies though… I live in a Home Owners Association. (HOA) This means that I have to keep up with weeds, leaves, and trimming the plants outside. When we first moved in here, the weeds were awful. Our place had been empty about six+ months according to neighbors. Apparently, during this time the home owner decided that the weeds did not need to be kept up, so the front yard was practically overflowing with weeds. I was doing my best to pull them in small intervals while unpacking boxes and as weather permitted, but apparently that was not good enough. About a month after I moved in, I received my first notification about the weeds. I was irritated enough about that, because I was tired, sick, and the weather had been miserable for going outside. So I went outside, the day after I got the notice and spent an entire day pulling the weeds. We tried using Roundup the day we got the notification, but our daughter broke out in hives, so I doubt we’ll be able to use it much again.

About two weeks after I had already pulled the weeds, the home owner’s son shows up at my door explaining that his dad had sent him out to pull weeds, cause they had received some sort of notification as well. This pissed me off, which I believe is justified. This house had sat empty for six months. The bank did not own it, it was owned by a private owner. This owner could have sent his son out once a month to deal with the weeds to keep up with it, rather than letting it overgrow during this time. No, he only sends him out to deal with it after I have already dealt with it. So I did the only rational thing. I called my housing management and told them that I did not appreciate the owner sending his son out here trying to accuse me of not dealing with the problem that was only so bad because they had let it grow so long. If the home has had an owner this entire time there should not have been any weeds (or at least very few) when we moved in. Why wasn’t he being penalized before we moved in? This makes absolutely no sense to me. *sigh* Oh well. I have to go out to the back yard and do my weekly weed pulling out there today, but I really don’t want to, as we’ve all had the stomach flu. We’ll see how I feel in about an hour I suppose.

Spring Cleaning

Sometimes I feel as if I clean far too much. Unfortunately when I have very little space to work with, I am not clearing stuff out so much as shuffling clutter from one spot to another. My garage lately has been a sort of catch all for the clutter. It helps the majority of it to not be IN the house, although it’s still out there. I am actually a little concerned about how much is out there sometimes. There are boxes I have not unpacked from Hawaii yet. There was even one box that I tried unpacking and I had to stop when I discovered that a bottle of after-sun gel had leaked everywhere. The gel has lidocaine in it, which is fine for everyone else in the house, but I am allergic to it. (I sort of love how the movers wouldn’t move my expensive lotions that were in a sealed container, inside another sealed container, but they just tossed that bottle in with paper.)

Anyway, my point in all of this is that every year, around this time I get the odd desire to clear out the clutter. I have spent the last couple days cleaning up after a sick kid so this has hampered my abilities to use this desire to clean to much good use. As I look around the edge of my laptop into the living room, I can see the clutter from here. A pile on the chair that shouldn’t be in the living room next to the television, a patrol cap next to the hermit crab tank, some military buckles on top of the piano… All these little sources of clutter may not seem like much but they add imperfections to the picture as a whole.

I am the mean type of mom that wants my children to keep their toys in their room. This works out about 85% of the time until I step on a Lego in the hallway in the middle of the night. I swear it’s like Toy Story and those toys manage to crawl out of the room on their own because according to my children, none of them did it. (By the way, best curse for anyone? Shout “I hope you step on a Lego!” It hurts like fire walking according to some people.) To be honest, my reasons for wanting the toys in the rooms could be considered selfish. For one, I hate picking up toys repeatedly. It’s repetitive, annoying, and painful after awhile, regardless of whether you lean over and pick it up, use your toes, or bend at the knees. Either way, you are pretty sore by the end of the day. Second reason… I hate looking at it. I am an adult, or at least I like to pretend I am, so when people come over, (which is rare, but it happens), I want them to look around and think, “Nice house!” I don’t want that thought to be interrupted with, “Is that My Little Pony?” I have children, yes, but none of them can be considered toddlers or babies anymore. This means, they are old enough to take their own toys back to their own rooms.

Back to spring cleaning though, I need to go through the garage. Normally I look at it and go, “yeah I’ll deal with that later.” Lately I just feel the need to go through it now. I blame the weather. Even for Arizona standards, it has been a very gorgeous spring. It’s like the weather calls to you to open your windows, and then as soon as you do, you see that layer of dust in the windowsill and decide to get rid of it, and while you’re there, you should wash the window, and wow, those blinds are looking pretty dirty too…